The Katz Files – Arnie Katz

The Kingfish Arnie Katz reports the angles and action from WWE’s Friday TV show – and adds his own inimitable analysis.

The show opened with a reprise of Batista-Umaga.

Batista d. Deuce & Domino (with Cherry)
Handicap Match

This contest held so little interest that the announcers didn’t both to call the moves as the Animal scored with a Spinebuster to a BatistaBomb to set up the winning cover.

Grade: C+ (little more than a squash)

Maryse, who was eliminated from the Diva contest for a motorcycle, insulted Cherry before the next round of the contest.

Maryse told Cherry, who was wearing a sexy leather dress in an attempt to change her image, that she wasn’t really a Diva.

Teddy Long, at center-ring, introduced the third round of the pointless Diva Contest. The winner will get a motorcycle. Not even a Chuck Palumbo motorcycle.. Wow.

This week, the women competed in arm wrestling. Victoria and Michelle McCool won their first-round matches against Cherry and Eve. Michele McCool then defeated Victoria, who whined like a crybaby.

Teddy Long announced that the fans had voted to eliminate Victoria. She attacked McCool, who gave more damage than she took.

A video promoted Floyd Mayweather. A second video focused on Mayweather’s coming match against Big Show.

Big Show d. Somebody

The indifferent announcing continued as Big Show knocked out a jobber. This is, of course, exactly the wrong way to promote the boxer versus wrestler match. If the wrestler has to win by boxing, that proves that boxing is superior to wrestling.

Grade: Z

Raven Simone, former “C”-list celebrity, is the latest addition to the star-thudded WrestleMania line-up.

Edge d. Funaki

Funaki hit a Cross-Body Fly from the top turnbuckle, but Edge’s knee to the midsection ended that brief offensive run.

Edge choked Funaki along the ropes and then hit a Baseball Slide that sent the former Cruiserweight Champion to the ringside area. After banging him against the outer barrier, Edge put Funaki back in the ring and rocked him with a Neckbreaker!

Edge shrugged off Funaki’s Enzuigiri and obliterated Funaki with a Spear and then mocked the Undertaker by using both the Tombstone Piledriver and the “folded hands” cover.

Grade: C+

“Tonight I step up to a whole new level,” Edge screamed. “Tonight, you’ll all find out what I’m capable of.” Well, some truly frightening facials, for one thing.

MVP opened his “MVP Lounge” segment by drawing fans’ attention to the ladder in the ring and the briefcase hanging from the rafters just above it.

He went into his list of victims, claiming that he was superior to each and every one of those illustrious performers. He was just about to mention Chris Jericho, when the man himself came to the ring as the segment’s official guest.

Jericho said he hadn’t been on Smackdown for five-and-a-half years and that he had come out sooner than expected to save the fans from boredom.

MVP said he knew all about Jericho. He listed a bunch of positive achievements – and then brought up the way Big Show knocked out Chris on RAW

Jericho stopped the host and said he knew a lot about him, too. He suggested that it was fortunate that parents had had the foresight to name their child Montell Vontavious Porter so that it spelled MVP.

He then used the Titantron to show how different MVP’s life might’ve been if his parents had given him the initials Z-I-T, L-O-S-E-R or J-A-C-K-A-S-S. It was not made clear why someone who is still calling himself “Y2J” despite the fact that he has only one “J’ in his name, would want to raise this subject.

MVP showed how he would climb the ladder to retrieve the briefcase in the “Money in the Bank” Match. Jericho showed what he would do; he pushed over the ladder to send the United States Champion sprawling.

Kane vs. Chuck Palumbo No Contest

They muscled each other around the ring, until Kane put Palumbo in the corner and pounded away at him. Chuck sneaked in a shot on the break and tried for a quick pin, but he was doomed to disappointment.

The Motorcycle Master alternated between a Wristlock and an Armbar, torturing Kane’s left arm. Kane brought his foe up short with a stunning boot to the face and a Clothesline from the middle turnbuckle!

When Palumbo left the ring to avoid more punishment, Kane followed. Hr bashed Palumbo into the side of the ring and then shoved him back inside, under the ropes.

Kane rocked Palumbo with a series of right hands. Kane missed on a Back Body Drop, but he recovered quickly and sent Chuck fleeing to the ringside area again!

The two combatants had a mid-ring collision that left both down on the mat.

That’s when Great Khali joined the action in the ring. He poleaxed Kane with one might blow. He Chokeslammed Palumbo and then, for good measure, did the same to the Big Red Machine!

That brought Mark Henry to the ring and, to his credit, Henry showed no fear of the Punjabi Nightmare. He blocked Khali’s attempted Chokeslam and then shocked him (and the fans) by subjecting the former World Champion to a Fall-away Slam! When first Palumbo and then Kane tried to attack, the Silverback nullified them, too.

Grade: C+

A video extolled the achievement of Hall of Fame inductee Eddie Graham, famed Florida wrestler and promoter.

John Morrison & The Miz d. Jesse & Festus
WWE Tag Team Championship

Jesse sent John Morrison into the corner. Morrison Floated Over. Instead of banging into the post, Jesse went around it to the ringside area – and then reached back to pull Morrison down by his feet!

The heels’ strategy became clear as the match progressed. They battered Jesse relentlessly and did everything possible to prevent the tag to Festus, who’d become quite animated at the sound of the opening bell.

Jesse came within inches of salvation at one point, but John Morrison stopped him with a Drop Toehold and The Miz added a Legdrop to the back of the head!

Jesse blocked two attempted Morrison Suplexes and, finally, made the tag to his huge buddy.

Festus roared into the ring with fists of fire and clotheslines of chaos! He Face Planted both antagonists and hit The Miz with a Fall-away Slam! He Splashed The Miz and then launched Jesse at him like a guided missile! Morrison broke up what would’ve surely been a pinning cover.

The Miz isolated Jesse at center-ring and clocked him with the Reality Check for the title-retaining win.

Grade: B

Michael Cole announced that Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho versus United States Champion MVP for the next Smackdown.

The RAW Rewind recapped the most recent episode.

Chavo Guerrero (with Edge, Hawkins & Ryder) vs. Undertaker

Undertaker went right at Chavo Guerrero. He soon had him flying through the air with a Back Body Drop and then crashing to the canvas after a Short-arm Clothesline. The Deadman went Old School and then took the ECW kingpin into the corner for more pain.

Chavo got in some punches when Taker became distracted, but the Man in Black soon got things going his way again. After introducing Chavo into a couple of turnbuckles, Undertaker lined him up for a Chokeslam, but again a distraction enabled Guerrero to escape. Taker recovered and hit a Side Slam, but it didn’t lead to a three count.

Undertaker stared at the Edge Clan, so Chavo Guerrero attacked him from behind. Taker left the ring. The champion followed and smashed Taker’s head against the announce table!

Back in the ring, Chavo came off the top with a stunning blow and then went to a ground and pound offense. Every time Undertaker lurched to his feet, Chavo was right there to bash him back to the mat.

Chavo had Taker on the mat, caught in An Armbar Grapevine. Somehow, the Deadman got to his feet, taking Guerrero with him, and crashed his nemesis to the canvas with something like a Suplex!

Undertaker Chokeslammed Guerrero. When Hawkins rushed Taker, the Deadman tossed him at his comrades!

Undertaker then ended the match with the Gogoplatz.

Grade: B

Things got ugly after the match. Curt Hawkins and Zach Ryder assaulted Taker, who tried to give them simultaneous Chokeslams — but Edge disrupted it.

After that, it became a carnival of hellacious chairshots as Edge and his minions beat Undertaker black and blue. Edge had his men hold Taker’s legs while he delivered a Con-chair-to to the head.

This was one of those most vicious beatdowns seen in WWE in some time. The chairshots were brutal blasts to the head.

“It’s over this year!” Edge screamed at the prostrate Undertaker. “It’s over!’

The last thing fans saw was Edge’s frightening grimace.

Overall Grade for This Episode: C (too much filler, too many squashes)

That’s it for today. I’ll return tomorrow with another installment of the Internet’s fastest-rising daily wrestling column.

– Arnie Katz
Crossfire4@cox.net
(3/26/08)