The Ultimate WrestleMania Xard!
Our resident philosopher, Jay Shannon, returns with part three of his WrestleMania series. This time, Jay plays matchmaker for his ultimate Wrestlemania card.
Back in January, I did a Fantasy version of the Royal Rumble. In that HeadLocker column, I used my creative time machine to bring people together that could never have fought each other in real life. Rikidozan, for example, was killed before the Undertaker was even born.
I thought I’d have a little fun with this column. I’ve dug out my own personal time machine, again, to create this…The Ultimate Wrestlemania Super Card. It will be presented in the format of a recap of the entire event. I hope you enjoy it.
The Venue: Madison Square Garden
The Date: The Future
In the future, Vince used his billions of dollars to finally crack the time barrier. Being the manupulative and greedy “evil genius” we all know and love, Vince decided to earn back his investment by putting on the biggest wrestling card of all time. Vince studied all of the WWE video libraries and made a huge list of the stars that he wanted for this card, his Ultimania, the Ultimate Wrestlemania.
The card was set to take place in late March. Vince used every known media to get the word out for the show. Ringside tickets sold out in mere minutes, at $ 15,000 each. The show kicked off with the London Philharmonic Orchestra leading the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in a rousing rendition of America, The Beautiful. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.
Howard Finkel made his entrance to a huge roar from the crowd. He welcomed everyone to “Ulll-Tiii–Mania”. Howard called for the bell as he introduced our opening contest.
1. Jake “The Snake” Roberts d. Raven–(No DQ, DDT Challenge Match)
This was a Teacher v Student match, as Raven learned the DDT from it’s creator, Jake Roberts. The rules were simple. The only way to win was to hit the DDT and cover your opponent. The match was a game of pure psychology as both men tried to out-mind game the other.
Jake took the early advantage with sharp punches and Short-Arm Clotheslines. Raven slid to the floor and grabbed his trusty Singapore Cane. He beat Roberts brutally with the cane, busting him open. Roberts went to the floor and got a chair. Roberts swung the chair like a Louisville Slugger into Raven’s skull. Raven dropped like a stone to the canvas, bleeding from a huge cut over his right eye. Jake played up to the crowd, which allowed Raven to recover. Raven used the Chop Block to attack the left leg of Roberts. The two men battled each other with all kinds of weapons.
After a nasty shot to the Roberts’ face with a hockey stick, Raven tried to lock in the Raven Effect. Roberts twisted around and turned the move into a Jawbreaker, which sent Raven flying into the ropes. On the rebound, Roberts booted Raven in the gut and took the win with the original DDT.
Grade: B (for bloody)
We went to the back, where Vince was watching all the action from his private suite. There was a knock at the door. Vince grumbled as he stomped to the door. He swung the door open, only to find Eric Bischoff and Paul Heyman staring back at him. They both smiled and warned the WWE Kingpin that they had a few surprises in store for Vinny Mac, tonight. They laughed maniacally as Vince slammed the door and uttered several strong curse words under his breath.
“Oohh, What a Rush!” echoed from the speakers as Hawk and Animal made their entrance. Paul Ellering and Sunny strolled to the ring with their team. The four got in the ring and Ellering asked for the microphone. “We are the most dominant team in wrestling history. We have destroyed everyone put in front of us. If there is anyone in the back with the intestinal fortitude to walk out here, then come forth for a massacre unlike any in the annuals of wrestling history”.
After a long pause, the Original ECW theme music ripped through the silence. Paul Heyman, flanked by Tommy Dreamer, Sabu, Tazz and RVD, walked out onto the rampway. “Vince, I told you that Bischoff and I were full of surprises, tonight. Here’s the first of them. Mr. Ellering, you feel that your team is the most dominant force ever in professional wrestling. I tend to disagree, sir. Let me introduce you to the 20-time tag team champions…Buh Buh Ray and D-Von, The Dudley Boyz”.
2. The Dudley Boyz v The Road Warriors–No Contest
This match was fast, furious and vicious to levels never seen before. D-Von’s nose was broken by a Clothesline from Animal. Hawk received a cracked orbital bone when Buh Buh ran him into the steel steps. The biggest surprise of the night came when Sunny turned on her team and accepting an ECW T-Shirt from Heyman. She then hit a Low Blow on Ellering and bashed him in the skull with Rocko, the mannequin mascot that Ellering used to bring to the ring. Rocko had been left under the ring.
The match broke down into a slugfest. D-Von got a table from under the ring and set it up in the ring. Ref Earl Hebner yelled at both teams that he wouldn’t allow that in his ring. The two teams looked at each other and then attacked Hebner. Buh Buh and D-Von hit the 3D on Hebner and then rolled the unconcious ref to Animal who hoisted Hebner up for the Doomsday Device. The shot by Hawk sent Hebner through the table as the crowd erupted. The two teams shook hands and left together. Both Hebner and Ellering were out cold.
Grade: A
We went back to Vince who was livid. “What the Hell was that?” he screamed at no one in particular. Shane McMahon came in and asked his dad what was wrong. After Vince explained, Shane said that he would handle it. We then headed back to the ring.
3. Beth Phoenix d. Chyna
This match was actually over in less than 3 minutes. Chyna came out and flexed her muscles. Beth was not impressed. She took the fight to Chyna at warp speed. Beth attacked the legs of Chyna and quickly locked in her Fisherman Buster to shock the crowd.
Grade: B-
The Fabulous Moolah and Wendi Richter were watching on the monitor and shaking their heads in disbelief. They made fun of Chyna’s lack of ability. Lita and Trish Stratus were offended by the comments and challenged the two to a tag match, later in the night.
Bruno Sammartino made his return to the Garden to a huge response. Bruno thanked the crowd for his warm reception. Bruno showed major respect for all the talent, but mentioned that the younger guys just didn’t seem to have the heart and determination that people of his generation did. The arena blacked out as the bell tolled the entrance of the Undertaker and manager, Paul Bearer.
‘Taker stared down at Bruno. “Mr. Sammartino, perhaps you are not familiar with me?” Bruno responded: “Yes, you are impressive in the ring, but you are nothing more than a gimmick. You would not have lasted more than 5 minutes against someone from my era.” The crowd booed loudly. Undertaker actually smiled at the comment. “You don’t feel that I would have lasted 5 minutes against someone of your generation? Let’s find out!”
4. Undertaker d. Bruno Sammartino
Undertaker caught Bruno off-guard with the sudden challenge. Undertaker pounded away on Bruno’s barrel-shaped chest with rapid-fire punches. Bruno used his incredible strength to lift Undertaker up into a Bear Hug. Undertaker surprised everyone by utiizing the Iron Claw, taught to him by his mentor, The Spoiler. Bruno released his Bear Hug and cringed in pain. Bruno inched his way to the ropes to force the break. Undertaker sent Bruno to the ropes with an Irish Whip. Bruno ducked a Clothesline and locked in a Reverse Bear Hug on ‘Taker. ‘Taker made it to the ropes for a break.
Bruno tried to punch ‘Taker, but “The Dead Man” caught the fist, cranked the arm and climbed the ropes. ‘Taker used Old School on the old schooler and sent Bruno to the mat. ‘Taker lifted Bruno and locked in the Last Ride. Bruno kicked out at 2. Bruno caught ‘Taker with a Full Nelson and squeezed with all his might. ‘Taker seemed to weaken, slightly. The crowd was split for this match. ‘Taker walked the ropes to flip backwards over Bruno, thus breaking the hold. ‘Taker scooped up Bruno and finished him off with the Tombstone.
Rating: A
Shane was seen talking with Triple H, Shawn Michaels, X-Pac, Road Dogg and Billy Gunn in the back. He asked for their help in talking out the forces of Heyman and Bischoff. Shane spoke about pride and loyalty. All five agreed to the concept. Shane then went to the ring.
In the ring, Shane called out D-X. The five men, plus Chyna, strolled to the ring. Shane got on the mic and demanded that Bischoff come to the ring. Eric walked out onto the rampway and grinned. “Now, you didn’t think I’d come to this party alone, did you?”
The crowd exploded as Scott Hall, Kevin Nash and Hollywood Hulk Hogan strolled out onto the rampway, wearing nWo t-shirts. The four walked down to the ring and stared at the group in the ring. D-X and Shane moved back as the quartet climbed up the steps and entered. Hogan took the stick from Eric and addressed the crowd.
“I was the reason for Wrestlemania. It was created for me. These follow-ups were still running around in the playground when I was taking care of business. Look at you.” Hogan moved closer to the group. “Forget you, Shane. You’re just a wanna-be that will never be able to escape your daddy’s shadow.” The crowd let loose with a collective gasp at Hogan’s comment. Hogan then began pointing at the group. “What a useless group of nWo-imitators. 1 (Triple H), 2 (Shawn), 3 (Billy Gunn) 4 (Road Dogg), 5 (Chyna) and Syxx!”
At the mention of his former name, Sean Waltman hit Shane with a leaping spin kick. He then ripped off his D-X shirt to reveal an nWo shirt underneath. The two teams began to fight until Also Sprach Zarathustra rang out from the speakers. The crowd let out a rafter-rocking “Whoo” chant as Ric Flair stepped out onto the stage. “You want to talk about being wanna-bes Hogan? Your little group and the degenerates up there would never have been considered were it not for us.”
Suddenly, J.J. Dillon, Tully Blanchard, Arn Anderson, Barry Windham, Ole Anderson, Lex Luger, Sting, Sid Vicious, and Dean Malenko joined Ric on the stage. In unison, they all held up the four fingers sign of the Horsemen. “If you Ladies want a fight, then we’re more than willing to join the party.” The Horsemen all stormed towards the ring, until Vince came on the ‘Tron.
“Stop this! Stop it, now!” Vince screamed. “I will not have the inmates running the asylum. If you all want to fight, then let’s make it our main event. I want four members for each team. The nWo seems set with their four. D-X is down to four, if you don’t count Chyna. So, Flair, pick the four you want to use and leave the rest in the back.”
The Horsemen all stood together and discussed the matter. Flair’s hand went up in the Horsemen salute. Arn and Tully’s hands went up in unison. After a moment’s pause, Barry Windham’s hand shot up with the sign of the Horsemen.
The main event was set:
Flair, Arn, Tully and Barry (The Four Horsemen)
v
Hogan, Nash, Hall, and Waltman (The nWo)
v
Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Billy Gunn and Road Dogg (D-Generation X)
We went to a video montage of the various Wrestlemanias while the wrestlers headed to the back. This also gave the crowd time for fresh popcorn, sodas, and a bathroom break.
“Pomp and Circumstance” roared from the speakers as Randy Savage made his grand entrance with the lovely Miss Elizabeth by his side. Randy posed for the crowd as the music swelled. Elizabeth beamed as her man absorbed the love from the crowd.
John Cena’s rap music intro brought about a chorus of boos from the crowd. Cena tried to cut loose with a rap on Elizabeth, but Savage attacked with a fury that Cena couldn’t expect.
5. Randy Savage d. John Cena
Savage beat on Cena like a man possessed. Randy grabbed Cena’s head and then leaped over the ropes to bring the throat over the ropes. Cena flew backwards and landed hard on the canvas. Savage scaled the ropes and waited for Cena to rise. Savage then jumped and nailed an Ax Bomber to send Cena crashing to the canvas. Savage struck his signature pose as the crowd roared with delight.
Cena used a Reverse Leg Sweep to send Savage face-first to the mat. Cena dropped repeated knees to the kidneys of the “Macho Man”. Cena rolled Savage over and did the “You Can’t See Me” hand wave and went for the 5 Knuckle Shuffle. Savage scooted out of the way and Cena hit the mat, instead of Savage.
Savage opened up on Cena with numerous Knife Edge chops. Savage sent Cena crashing down with the Neck Tie Clothesline. Savage backed up and went for the Running Double Ax Handle. Cena slipped under and lifted Savage up and nailed the F-U. Savage stunned the crowd when he kicked out at 2.
The two men stood and stared at each other. They started throwing wild punches at each other. A Haymaker by Cena sent Savage flying. Savage hit the mat with a thud. Cena took immediate advantage by locking in the STFU. Cena was too close to the ropes and Elizabeth was able to reach through the ropes and slap Cena. Cena got to his feet to argue with Elizabeth. This allowed Randy to hit another of his Snap Rope Clotheslines on Cena who fell backwards into the ring. Savage scampered up the ropes and signalled for the end. Savage dropped the Savage Elbow to seal the deal.
Grade: A+
Heyman and Sandman were talking in the back, when “Stone Cold” Steve Austin showed up. Austin smiled at Heyman. “So, you and Bischoff are really giving that sum b*tch Vince Hell, tonight?” Heyman nodded. Austin looked at Heyman and then hit a Stone Cold Stunner on him. “You still owe me money, you bast*rd, and Bischoff didn’t even have the b*lls to fire me in person. I don’t like Vince, but I like you two even less”.
Sandman took a swing at Austin with the Singapore Cane, but Austin ducked and nailed Sandman with a Stunner. “You like beer, huh? Well, have one on me!” Austin then poured beer all over Sandman and walked off.
Cyndi Lauper came onto stage in her full 80’s street urchin outfit. She broke loose with a live version of “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” to herald the arrival of The Fabulous Moolah and Wendi Richter. “Captain” Lou Albano escorted the ladies to the ring.
Meredith Brooks’ music broke through the 80’s sound as “(I’m A) Bitch” kicked loose from the speakers. Lita and Trish came out onto the rampway to a mixed reaction. Lita stalked Lauper, until Albano waddled up the ramp to protect her.
6. Lita and Trish Stratus v Fabulous Moolah and Wendi Richter–Double pin/no contest
Richter and Trish started the match. Trish wrestled circles around Richter with Snap Mares and Drop Toe Holds. Richter tagged out in pure frustration. Moolah used her superior power to stun Trish with brutal Fore-arm Shots to the face. Moolah, a true student of the sport, took Trish down and locked in a Figure Four Leglock. Lita made the save with a Frog Splash off the top turnbuckle onto Moolah. Trish crawled to the corner and tagged out.
Lita chopped away on Moolah and moved her to the corner. Moolah dropped as if she were having some kind of seizure, only to grab the ankles of Lita and send her backwards to the mat. Moolah came off the ropes and landed, backside-first, on Lita’s chest. The ref went to count the pin, but Lita kicked out. Moolah tagged Richter back in.
Richter surprised Lita with several Suplexes and a Hangman’s Neckbreaker. Trish ran in to break up the pin attempt. This brought Moolah back into the ring.The four women fought in the center of the ring. Referee Tim White took elbows to the head from both Moolah and Trish. Trish caught Richter with her Stratusfaction finisher, while Moolah dropped Lita with a Piledriver. White, still stunned by the elbows, counted Moolah’s pin of Lita and Trish’s pin of Richter, simultaneously.
The crowd booed unmercifully as we flashed to the back where Rocky Johnson sat and talked with Dusty Rhodes. “You know something Dream? These young kids are showing up the older guys.” Dusty nodded. “I know what ya mean. Imagine if our kids were to fight some of the old-timers like you and me.”
Carlito walked up with Randy Orton. “Hey, why don’t you two face us in the ring? It could be like the old days, only you wouldn’t be facing my old man.” Carlos Colon stepped around the corner and looked at his son. “So, you think you are better than your old man, huh? I tell you what we do. Randy and Carlito…go and find Rocky’s kid and one of Dusty’s sons and let’s make this a Father against Son match. You know, los padres might just teach los hijos a little something…like respect”.
We came back to the ring for the entrance of Andre the Giant. Through his broken English, Andre issued a challenge. “I have heard about the man who once claimed to be my son. Big Show, I want you to show you that there is but one Giant in this business.”
The entrance music of the Big Show filled the Garden, as Big Show walked out with Paul Heyman at his side. Another surprise for Vince was the general feeling in the crowd. Before the Big Show could enter the ring, Andre spoke again. “I wanted this match to be a one on one match, but you want to bring in a manager. That is fine. I have a manager too.” Bobby “The Brain” Heenan entered to a standing ovation from the crowd.
7. Andre The Giant d. The Big Show
This match was slow and plodding but exciting, as well. The Big Show Goozled Andre, only to have the Frenchman laugh at the effort. Andre swatted Big Show with his skillet-sized hand. Andre chopped away at Big Show as the crowd counted along. Heyman screamed at the top of his lungs for Big Show to fight back.
Big Show tried for a Body Slam, but Andre blocked it. Andre sent Big Show crashing to the mat with a huge Headbutt. Andre caught Big Show with a Reverse Choke and slammed his head repeatedly into the skull of Big Show. Show was on Dream Street as Andre continued to dominate.
Paul Heyman jumped on the apron to hand his over-sized cell phone to the Big Show. Heenan trotted around to Heyman and grabbed the ankles. Heyman fell off the apron and cracked his jaw on the ring. He was stunned. Big Show went to grab Heenan, but “The Brain” threw powder in Big Show’s face. Show staggered backwards and Andre sent him flying with a Hip Toss. Andre climbed to the top rope and jumped off. Andre’s full weight landed on the chest of Big Show. Referee Charles Robinson made the easy 3 count.
Grade: A-
We went to some pre-recorded comments from the Ultimate Warrior. While difficult to understand, the comments basically issued an open challenge to any man foolish enough to think they could stop the over-whelming force that was the Ultimate Warrior.
The chaotic rock music that signalled the arrival of the Ultimate Warrior nearly deafened the crowd. Warrior hit the ring at a dead run. He grabbed the ropes and shook them violently. Ultimate Warrior grabbed a microphone and yelled for an opponent. He didn’t have to ask twice.
The pyros exploded as Batista stepped out from behind the curtain. The crowd went from screams of happiness to a dead silence as Goldberg stepped out next to Batista. They were quickly joined by Brock Lesnar.
8. Batista d. Goldberg, Brock Lesnar and Ultimate Warrior–(Elimination Match)
Batista, Goldberg and Brock walked to the ring. Ultimate Warrior stomped back and forth as the three other men entered the ring. All four men began beating on each other even before the bell rang. Batista caught Warrior by surprise with a Running Clothesline that send the former WWF champ flying backwards into the corner. Goldberg Speared Brock, who fell out of the ring and landed hard on the floor. Goldberg and Batista stood and glared at each other. Just as they went to lock up, Warrior climbed the ropes and flew off with a Flying Clothesline to the back of Batista’s head, sending him crashing into Goldberg.
Warrior beat his chest and howled. Goldberg growled as he made it to his feet. Goldberg went for the Spear, but Warrior side-stepped and Goldberg struck the corner post. Lasnar was still down on the floor. Warrior grabbed Goldberg and lifted him for the Gorilla Press Slam. Warrior bounced off the ropes and went for his Warrior Splash. He hadn’t counted on Batista who hit a Big Boot to send Warrior flipping backwards.
Lesnar finally climbed back in the ring and went for Batista’s legs. Lesnar was so focused on his opponent, Batista, that he forgot about the other two men in the match. Goldberg grabbed Lesnar, spun him around and ended Lesnar’s night with the Jackhammer.
Brock Lesnar had been eliminated.
Goldberg taunted Lesnar, which allowed Batista to take advantage of Goldberg’s lack of focus. Batista nailed Goldberg in the back of the head with a Double Ax Handle. Goldberg crashed into the corner. Batista grabbed Goldberg and planted him with the Batista Bomb.
Goldberg had been eliminated.
Warrior, who had several minutes to recover, attacked Batista from behind. Warrior Sledge-Hammered the head and neck of Batista. Warrior used the Gorilla Press Slam to stun Batista. Warrior bounced off the ropes and hit his Warrior Splash onto Batista.The crowd figured the match was done, but they were wrong. Batista kicked out and “powered up”. Both men went into Berserker Mode, shaking the ropes on their own side of the ring. Warrior tried for a Clothesline, but he moved to slow. Batista hit a DDT on Warrior. Batista Irish Whipped Warrior to the ropes and caught the wildman with his own Gorilla Press into a Fallaway Slam. Batista went to the top rope and nailed Warrior with a Flying Shoulder Block off the top rope. Warrior was out of gas as Batista took out his final opponent with the Batista Bomb.
Grade: A-
Vince smiled, for the first time, as he saw medics help Ultimate Warrior out of the ring. Shane walked into the office. “Hey dad, did you hear about that added match? The Legacy team is getting ready to embarrass their dads.” Vince snarled. “Cocky punks always think that they can out-do their fathers”. Shane smiled. “Dad, you know Heyman and Bischoff said that they had surprises for you. They aren’t the only ones.” Shane then blasted his dad out of nowhere. “Bring you sorry self to the ring, pop. You are the Father’s team captain. I’m in charge of Legacy.” Vince clutched his jaw as Shane laughed and exited the ring.
9. The Rock, Shane McMahon, “Goldust” Dustin Rhodes, Carlito and Randy Orton d Rocky Johnson, Vince McMahon, Dusty Rhodes, Carlos Colon and “Cowboy” Bob Orton-(Sins of the Father Match)
The Fathers seemed confused as the match started. Their children had apparently been working on this plan for some time. The Rock started off against Bob Orton. Orton was spun around and smacked hard by The Rock. Rock nailed an Atomic Drop to send Orton to the mat in great pain. Rock then walked over and tagged in Carlito. Carribean Cool stomped away on Orton and then whipped him to the ropes. Orton ducked the Clothesline and hit a straight punch to the face of Carlito. Orton fell into his corner and tagged in Dusty. Dusty stunned Carlito with the Flip, Flop and Fly. Dusty dropped several elbows to the chest of Carlito who crawled to his corner and tagged Randy into the match.
Randy clipped the knee of Dusty. Randy did major damage to the Dream with his Orton Stomp. Randy went to taunt Dusty, which allowed Dusty to hit an uppercut that stunned the Legend Killer. Dusty rolled over and tagged in Rocky Johnson. Rocky punched away at the face of Randy until Randy hit a Short-Arm Clothesline. Randy tagged out to Shane. Shane did his “Ali Shuffle” and boxed the face of Rocky. Rocky stumbled back to the corner and Vince tagged himself in.
Vince walked up to Shane and slapped him across the face. The two men cut loose with some brutal fists to the face of each other. Vince sent Shane to the ropes with an Irish Whip and then dropped his son with a brutal Back Elbow. Vince locked in a Figure Four Leglock on Shane. Shane inched to the ropes to force the break. Vince kept Shane from making the tag. Vince locked in a Sleeper. Shane slid to the mat as Vince shook Shane’s head in the Sleeper. He reached to tag Dusty, but wouldn’t let Shane out of the Sleeper. The Legacy team ran in to break up the hold. This brought the Fathers running. There was a Mexican stand-off in the ring as no father wanted to strike his own son. Goldust broke the stalemate when he elbowed his father. Goldust screamed at his father about “all the years”. Goldust beat his father into a bloody mess as Goldust’s teammates tried to pull him off his father. Cody Rhodes ran down to check on his father. The two half-brothers squared off as Goldust went to attack Dusty again. Cody, fighting on pure heart, took Dustin off his feet and locked in a Indian Deathlock.
In all the confusion, Randy Orton tried to help Dusty up. This was just a ruse, as Randy hit his RKO. He then laid the knocked-out Shane across Dusty to take the pin.
Grade: A
“That’s why families should stay out of wrestling.” These words came from Bob Backlund who watched from the locker room. “Just what’s wrong with families working together in this business.” Backlund turned to see Stu, Owen and Bret Hart standing at the door. They were joined by Matt and Jeff Hardy, Rick and Scott Steiner, Booker T and Stevie Ray, Jimmy, Jerry and Johnny Valiant, Afa and Sika, The Von Erichs, Terry and Dory Funk Jr. and Jack and Jerry Brisco. Bret stepped up to Backlund. “You want to insult family tradition? Maybe I should shut your mouth.” Bret slapped Bob and walked out of the locker room.
10. Bret Hart d. Bob Backlund
Backlund made his entrance with his manager, Arnold Skaaland, at his side. The crowd booed the long-time hero of the masses. You just don’t mess with family.
Hank Williams Jr. and his band cranked up a house-rocking rendition of “Family Tradition”. This brought Bret Hart to the rampway. He was joined by the Guerreros, Von Erichs, Steiners, Funks, Armstrongs, Harts, Valiants, Samoans, Briscos, Harlem Heat, and the Beverly Brothers. They walked down, in unison.
Backlund attacked before the bell rang. He tried to use amateur moves to take Hart off his feet. Hart wrestled a clinic, sending Backlund to the mat, over and over. Backlund was distracted by the sea of humanity that surrounded the ring. Arnold Skaaland tried to help Backlund by handing him the towel Skaalnad had thrown in the ring in 1983. Skaaland wanted Backlund to use the towel to choke out Hart, but Stu Hart intercepted the towel and used it on Skaaland, instead. EMTs ran to the ring to cart Skaaland to the back.
Backlund snapped when he saw his manager downed. He broke from his scientific style to rough house brawling that surprised just about everyone. “You don’t think I learned from Slaughter and Graham and all the other brutal b*stards that I had to fight against for so long?” Backlund punched the face of Bret dozens of time. One shot to the face busted the lip of the “Hitman”. Bret spat the blood in the eyes of Backlund. Bret sent Backlund to the mat with a Side Russian Leg Sweep. Bret grabbed Backlund’s ankle and yanked on it, trying to hyper-extend the knee. Backlund dragged himself to the ropes to force the break. Backlund rolled out to the floor, only to find himself facing six Iron Claws cocked and ready as Fritz Von Erich and his five sons threatened Backlund. Backlund reluctantly rolled back in the ring.
A calmer Bret Hart began to use some basic moves to confuse Backlund. A series of Arm Drags dizzied the former WWF champ. Bret planted Backlund with a Snap Suplex. Bret dropped a knee across the forehead of Backlund. Backlund rolled out of the ring and ran into the brick wall of Afa, Sika, Rikishi, Umaga, Samu and Fatu. Backlund was tossed back in the ring.
Backlund grabbed the ankles of Bret and tripped him. The hard landing knocked the wind out of Bret. Backlund tried to lock in the Crossface Chicken Wing, but Bret fought back. Backlund used three release German Suplexes to incapacitate his younger opponent. Backlund cinches in a Body Scissors to crush the life out of his Canadian foe. Bret rolled over and almost pinned Backlund. Backlund had no choice but to release the hold to avoid the pin. Hart grabbed the leg of Backlund and twisted the knee. The crowd screamed in approval as Bret stepped over to lock in the Sharpshooter. He didn’t get the chance to finalize the hold, as Backlund reached up and brought Bret over with a roll-up. Bret kicked out just before the ref counted to three.
Bret began working on the legs of Backlund. Bret up-ended Backlund with a Leg Sweep. Bret then held the leg of Backlund up so that he could kick away at the hamstring of Backlund. Backlund tried to scoot across the ring to reach the ropes, but Bret pulled him back to center ring. With the crowd and the wrestlers cheering him on, Bret locked in the Sharpshooter. Backlund tried to reach the ropes, but fell just inches short of the mark. After an agonizing 2 minutes of twisting and turning, trying to escape, Bob Backlund tapped out to the “Excellence of Execution” Bret Hart
Grade: A
The ring filled up with all the wrestling families.Bret stared at his younger brother, Owen. All thoughts of feuds and being in his brother’s shadow evaporated as the two brothers embraced.Owen raised his brother’s arm in triumph.
We went to a video highlight for all three of our teams in the main event. The arena went black and neon green spotlights washed over the entrance ramp. The D-Generation X theme music brought the crowd to its feet. Road Dogg, Billy Gunn, Shawn Michaels and Triple H walked out in unison. All four wore new D-X T-shirts which, of course, were available at Ultimania. com, which the announcers made sure that we heard about. The four walked to the ring and Road Dogg grabbed the stick. “Oh, you didn’t know? Your A** better call somebody”. The crowd erupted. Triple H took the mic. “For the thousands in attendance…for the billions watching around the world..and the ancient collection of dinosaurs creaking backstage…” Billy took the mic “We’ve got two words for you…”
The entire crowd ripped loose with the “Suck It” chant.
The four members of D-X stood waiting for their opponents. Brian Johnson of AC/DC stepped out from behind the curtain, wearing an nWo shirt. He raised his arms and a black tarp fell from the ceiling. The entire AC/DC band stood wearing the black and white of nWo. The cranked up a rousing rendition of Back in Black. Various members of the nWo stood behind the drum riser in anticipation of a monster fight, later on.
After the crowd died down, a stage began to lower from the ceiling. Ric Flair, Barry Windham, Arn Anderson, and Tully Blanchard stood with Garth Brooks. Garth broke introduced the Four Horsemen with a new version of Ain’t going down ’til the sun comes up. Garth ended the song with a huge “Whoo” in tribute to Ric.
Michael Buffer stood in the center of the ring and introduced the participants. Age seemed to play a part in determining loyalty in this one. The young kids in the audience were solidly behind D-X. The older viewers threw their allegiance to the Four Horsemen. The nWo seemed to have the least support from the crowd.
11. The Four Horsemen d D-X and the nWo (Texas Tornado match)
All 12 men started battling, even before the bell rang. The D-X members focused their attack on Syxx for betraying them. The rest of the nWo came to his defense. The Horsemen picked their shots as they could. Arn caught Road Dogg with the Anderson Spinebuster. Flair chopped everyone not aligned with his Horsemen. Barry Windham nailed Scott Hall with a Bulldog. He then turned into a Big Boot from Kevin Nash. Nash tried for the Jackknife on Windham, but Flair clipped the knee. Triple H racked the jaw of Syxx with the knee. Tully and Billy traded fists in the corner. Hogan grabbed Flair by the throat and held him up in the Thunderlips Lift he used in Rocky III. Barry tried to save Flair, but was dropped with Sweet Chin Music from Shawn Michaels. Flair finally got free when he brought his leg up and kicked Hogan in the throat. Hogan coughed up blood and retreated to the corner.
Flair kicked Billy Gunn in the back. This allowed Tully to grab Gunn and nail his Slingshot Suplex. Tully tried for the pin, but Triple H made the save. Syxx climbed the ropes and hit a Flying Crossbody on Flair. Barry grabbed Syxx and threw him over the top rope. Syxx cracked two ribs when he landed on the barrier. Nash punched Barry, several times, and then Clotheslined him. Nash then grabbed Tully and Chokeslammed him onto Barry. Nash tried to grab Arn, but “Double A” used a Low Blow to stun “Big Sexy”. Arn and Shawn formed a temporary alliance as they Double Suplexed Nash. Flair climbed to the top rope and dropped the knee to the forehead of Kevin Nash. Scott Hall ran to the aid of his fallen partner. Hall pounded away Shawn. Hall choked Shawn in the corner, until Billy Gunn hit a Flying Knee into the small of Hall’s back.
Hogan, who had recovered, caught Billy with his Triple Fists to the face and then Irish Whipped Billy to the ropes. Road Dogg ran into Billy to prevent the BIg Boot o’ Doom from Hogan. Flair Leg Swept Hogan, who was off-balance from his booting attempt. Flair placed his foor into the hip of Hogan and flipped backwards, snapping the hamstring. Hogan clutched his knee in agony. Hogan backed into the corner. Shawn slipped out of the ring and climbed back on the apron to choke Hogan. Syxx fought through his broken ribs to grab Shawn and pull him off the apron. Shawn suffered a concussion when his head struck the corner of the steel steps.
Hall moved to help Hogan, but Triple H took Hall and threw him into the steel post. When Hall staggered back out, Triple H nailed the Pedigree and rolled him to the floor. Kevin Nash stood and moved nearer to Hogan. Barry and Billy took Nash out with a Double Cactus Clothesline. Hogan looked at the chaos that his partners had endured and went on alert. Hogan struck out at Tully, first. He grabbed the throat of Tully and lifted him to throw him into Flair. Tully shifted his weight and Hogan collapsed. Hogan’s knee gave out and he crumpled in the corner. Triple H and Tully each grabbed an arm of Hogan and dragged him to center ring. Flair laughed at Hogan and motioned to the back. Eric Bischoff and Paul Heyman both walked out onto the rampway. Flair called for a microphone. “Hogan, you and McMahon are fools. Did you really think that it was just coincidence that Bischoff and Heyman just showed up, tonight? I sent them here to confuse and undermine this little show.” Hogan tried to kick at Flair, but was still restrained. “Hogan, I gave most of these men their start. Bischoff, Heyman, Paul (Triple H), Brian (Road Dogg), and so many more. We’ve known about this for months and knew that we had to make a statement. What better way than to use Vince’s own family against him.”
Flair instructed Triple H and Tully to beat on Hogan and throw him to the mat. Flair locked in the Figure Four Leglock. Triple H, Tully Blanchard, Road Dogg and Arn stood guard on the four sides of the ring as Flair continued to cinch in the Figure Four, deeper adn deeper. Hogan crawled to the ropes, but he was prevented from reaching them by Triple H. Triple H laughed as Hogan faded from the pain. Charles Robinson rushed to the ring and checked on Hogan. Hogan fought back with his last remaining strength and began to unlock the legs. Triple H climbed the ropes and dropped a knee into the head of Hogan. The blow was the death knell for the legend. Hogan was out cold. Flair re-locked in the Figure Four, but it was unneeded. Charles Robinson counted the three count.
Grade: A+
After the bell, the various members of D-X and the Four Horsemen gathered in the center of the ring. Flair took a microphone and asked Barry and Arn to help Shawn back into the ring. Flair had Tully and Charles Robinson retreive four chairs so that the injured men could sit down for a few moments. After they were all seated, Flair spoke:
“Gentlemen, my time in the ring is done. Arn, Tully and Barry have also reached the ends of their careers. It is time for the next generation of stars to take up the mantle.” Flair turned and took a box from Jim Ross. “Thank you, J.R.” Flair turned to face the four men seated in the ring. Flair opened the box and then walked up to Triple H. On Flair guidance, Triple H reached in and took out a Black satin jacket. Flair then offered the box to Road Dogg and Billy Gunn. Each one took their own satin jacket. Since Shawn was still in bad shape from his concussion, Flair sat the box down and took out a final satin jacket. He wrapped the jacket around Shawn’s shoulders.
“My friends, I talked with all the members of the Horsemen before we came here tonight. We felt that the name of the Four Horsemen needed to continue forward. There are no finer men in this industry that you four. On behalf of Arn, Ole, Tully, Barry, Sting, Sid, Lex, J.J. and Dean, we would be honored if you would retire your D-X unit, in favor of the name Four Horsemen. I would also like to offer my services as your manager.”
The four seated men stared at each other. Without uttering a word, Billy Gunn raised his four fingers. Road Dogg, Brian Armstrong, raised his fingers, next. Shawn lifted four very shaky fingers up as well. Triple H then stood, slipped on his jacket and raised his fingers higher than all the rest. Behold the re-birth of the Four Horsemen. The show faded to black.
Over-all Grade: A
In Conclusion:
This was all a work of complete fiction, obviously. There were dozens of stars that I had to leave out, due to column length restrictions. I hope you all enjoyed this. This was the most fun that I’ve had in my five years of writing wrestling columns. This column is dedicated to all the members of the wrestling family who have passed on. Thank you all for the time you shared with us. May your souls rest and your memory never fade.
–Jay Shannon
JayofPWD@SBCGlobal.net
(3/6/08)
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