HeadLocker– Jay Shannon

Unlucky 13–The Worst Wrestlemania matches!

Our resident philosopher, Jay Shannon, takes a look at a baker’s dozen of bad matches that blemished the Granddaddy of the All, Wrestlemania

Wrestlemania is the biggest wrestling card of the year. It has brought us some of the greatest battles of all time. Andre v Hogan, Undertaker v Batista and Hart v Austin come to mind. In the fruitbowl of life, there are always lemons mixed in with the strawberries. Wrestlemania is no exception. In this edition of HeadLocker, I want to look at the Unlucky 13. These are the 13 worst matches in Wrestlemania history.

13. Butterbean d. Bart Gunn (Brawl 4 All)–Wrestlemania XV

The Brawl 4 All was a lame concept. It was supposed to cash in on the Toughman craze of the time. What it managed to do was derail the WWE career of “Dr. Death” Steve Williams. This was a serious popcorn stand/bathroom match. A fat guy that very few knew fighting a mid-carder. The crowd was bored with this battle before the introductions were done.

12. Akebono d. Big Show (Sumo Challenge)–Wrestlemania 21

Ok, this match had several things going against it. First, the American crowds don’t, for the most part, appreciate Sumo wrestling. Second, this match was sandwiched between two outstanding matches (Kurt Angle v. Shawn Michaels and John Cena v. JBL). Third, did anyone really want to see Paul Wight in a thong? This match was a dumb idea that the crowd just hated.

11. Mr. T w/Joe Frazier and the Haiti Kid d. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper w/”Cowboy” Bob Orton (Boxing Match)–Wrestlemania II

This was the co-main event of Wrestlemania II. Mr. T won by disqualification when Piper used a wrestling move (a bodyslam) on Mr. T. Imagine that, a wrestler used a wrestling move at a wrestling show. This match was nothing more than a publicity stunt to play off Mr. T’s popularity. It had absolutely nothing to do with wrestling and was a waste of time.

10. The Great Khali d. Kane–Wrestlemania 23

The Great Khali needed to defeat someone big to establish himself as dominant. Kane was the victim that was chosen. It was a horrible match. Kane tried to salvage the bout, but it just didn’t happen. Khali was slow, plodding and had only basic power moves in his arsenal. The crowd was angry that this was the replacement for the rumored Hulk Hogan v Big Show match. This was a no-win situation, all the way around. It was the only dark mark on an otherwise stellar card.

9. Jake “The Snake Roberts d. Rick Martel (Blindfold Match)–Wrestlemania VII

Martel had blinded Jake with his Arrogance cologne spray. Jake decided to fight Martel on an equal playing field. They both donned hoods (which both actually could see through). They played up the non-vision angle to new heights of mediocrity. The crowd was mildly supportive, at first. After only a few minutes, the crowd bored of this maddingly slow match. The crowd let out a huge cheer when Jake nailed the DDT. They weren’t cheering Jake’s win as much as they were cheering the fact that this turkey of a match was over.

8. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper v Bad News Brown–No Contest–Wrestlemania VI

Piper dropped to new lows in this match. In promos, he threw out racial insults at Brown. The racism rants were tasteless. Piper added insult to injury by arriving for the match with half of his body painted black. The match did not have a clear winner. Had Brown destroyed Piper, it might have made sense. Brown vanquishes the spectre of racism, that kind of thing. Having the match end in a no-contest proved nothing

7. Red Rooster (Terry Taylor) d. Bobby Heenan–Wrestlemania V

There have been some dumb gimmicks in the WWE. Doink, Beaver Cleavage, Repo Man, and more have insulted the intellegence of the wrestling audiences for more years than I want to count. Red Rooster was the king of dumb gimmicks. Terry Taylor, an excellent technical wrestler, used 14 pounds of hair goop to give himself a rooster’s comb. Then he dyes the silly thing bright red. He strutted around and crowed. He made Eugene look bright. Rooster wanted revenge against his former manager, Bobby Heenan, who had come up with the silly character. That should have been a reason to cheer. It wasn’t. The match was lame. The only saving grace was that it was incredibly short. Thankfully, Rooster flew the coop not too long after Wrestlemania V.

6. Gimmick Battle Royal–Wrestlemania X-Seven

The line-up for the Gimmick Battle Royal was interesting: The Iron Sheik, Brother Love, Jim Cornette, Doink, The Bushwackers (Luke and Butch), Duke “the Dumpster” Drosse, Earthquake, The Goon, The Gobbledy Gooker, “Freebird” Michael Hayes, Hillbilly Jim, Kamala, KimChee, One Man Gang, Repo Man, Sgt. Slaughter, Tugboat and Nikolai Volkoff.

Why Brother Love and Jim Cornette were in there is anyone’s guess. This match has to hold some kind of record for the shortest Battle Royal in the history of time. The introductions actually took longer than the match, itself. (That is not an exaggeration.) The Iron Sheik won the match and then got into a slow-as-molasses-in-January battle with Sgt. Slaughter. It might have been nice to see some of the old oddities, but if you blinked twice, you missed them.

5. Sable and Torrie Wilson d. Stacy Kiebler and Ms. Jackie (Gayda) (Playboy Evening Gown Match)–Wrestlemania XX.

Take four of the most beautiful women in the WWE. Put them in a strip down match on the grandest stage. How could you possibly fail? WWE found a way. This match was actually dull. None of the four could wrestle their way out of a wet T-shirt. The match quickly changed to a Bra and Panties match as the girls ditched their gowns, but it didn’t help this boring snoozefest.

4. Ultimate Warrior d. Hunter Hearst Helmsley–Wrestlemania XII

Hunter Hearst Helmsley was the hottest young star on the scene. He was placed in a match with one of the best superstars of the past generation, the Ultimate Warrior. This should have been a long, drawn-out match that served as a Passing of the Torch for the man who would become Triple H. It turned into a squash where Warrior “no-sold” the Pedigree and destroyed Hunter in under two minutes. This match almost killed Hunter’s career before it ever got rolling. This had to be the most absurd bit of booking on the record books.

3. Undertaker d. Giant Gonzales (by Disqualification)–Wrestlemania IX

Undertaker has an amazing streak at Wrestlemania. This match was ‘Taker’s third appearance at the “big one”. Harvey Wippleman brought in Gonzales to destroy the Undertaker, who had become a solid fan favorite. Undertaker had to do his best to create a decent match while working with a no-talent goof that should never have stepped into a wrestling ring. The match finally ended in a DQ-win for ‘Taker because Gonzales was so pathetic in the ring that ‘Taker couldn’t get a decent move in on him. Gonzales went home to Argentina within months of this encounter. If only he had caught an earlier flight, ‘Taker might have had a perfect domination record at Wrestlemania instead of a slightly soured perfect record.

2. Lawrence Taylor d. Bam Bam Bigelow–Wrestlemania XI

Wrestlers dream their entire lives of headlining a Wrestlemania. Many wrestlers would pawn their grandmother for a chance to just have a opening match at Wrestlemania. At Wrestlemania XI, someone had the brilliant idea to give the main event spot to a former football player and a WWE mid-carder. Bam Bam Bigelow was a great wrestler, but he never reached a decent position in the company. At the time, Bigelow was the “muscle man” for Ted DiBiase Million Dollar Corporation.

Bigelow got into a war of words with Lawrence Taylor. Bigelow brought various members of the Million Dollar Corporation with him to ringside. Taylor brought several sports people with him: Ken Norton Jr., Carl Banks, Rickey Jackson, Chris Spielman, Reggie Parks, and Steve McMichael. Taylor is the man responsible for the introduction of “Mongo” to wrestling. That is just unpardonable. The match itself was a sad commentary on the state of wrestling at that point in history.

1. Brock Lesnar d. Goldberg (Special Guest Ref-Stone Cold Steve Austin)–Wrestlemania XX

Lesnar and Goldberg were two of the most dominant forces in wrestling, at the time. Lesnar was dubbed “The Next Big Thing”. Goldberg had the longest winning streak in WCW history. This should have been a case of The Irresistable Force meets the Immovable Object. This was the Dream Match of all Dream Matches. Dreams are always better than the reality.

Lesnar and Goldberg had already given notice that they were leaving WWE, right after Wrestlemania XX. The crowd was hostile towards both men. The “You sold out” and “Hey Hey Hey Goodbye” chants rocked the house louder than any intro music did. It didn’t help matters when Lesnar and Goldberg dragged their feet getting started. Austin seemed bored with his ref duties. If either two of the men had planned to hang around after Wrestlemania XX, this match would have been a blockbuster match. The one leaving would have wanted to make one last impression before heading out the door. The one staying would have wanted to protect the WWE from a traitor (in the eyes of the fans) who was running away from a fight. With both men making their final appearances, there was nothing to fight for.

The only bright spot in the whole match actually went down after the final bell sounded. Austin sent both fighters sailing into semi-oblivion with Stone Cold Stunners. The crowd erupted in their approval of Austin. That Stunner was, in the mind of many fans, a way of telling Lesnar and Goldberg, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out”.

In Conclusion:

Not every match on a big card is going to be an Savage vs Steamboat match. There have to be a few clunkers thrown in. These were my picks for the worst matches to every disgrace a Wrestlemania ring. There were a few others that I considered, but these just over-shadowed the others. Feel free to send me your Worst Wrestlemania Moments and I’ll collect them and post them in a future HeadLocker column.

Coming Wednesday: The Best Matches of

Unlucky 13--The Worst Wrestlemania matches.