HeadLocker–Jay Shannon
The Ultimate Royal Rumble
Oue resident ring philosopher puts his mind to Royal Rumble as he waits out a snowy day.
When it comes to the Royal Rumble, there are always the superstars (Rock, Steve Austin, Hulk Hogan, etc…) and the cannon fodder (Warlord, Bushwacker Butch, Simon Dean, etc…). In this edition of HeadLocker, I thought I’d do a little What If?-ing. Think of this as one of those video games where you can pit wrestlers from any era against each other. Not only have I included the names of the wrestlers that would be involved but the years I would transport them from for this fantasy event. That’s the premise behind The Ultimate Royal Rumble match.
1. Andre The Giant (1975)
Andre won more battle royals than any wrestler in the history of the sport. Sadly, he never won the Royal Rumble. I’d love to think of the Andre of the mid-70s battling through the 29 other men.
2. Bruno Sammartino (1963)
Bruno was the Hulk Hogan of his era. Imagine Bruno tossing out competitors, left and right. The original Italian Stallion would be an odds-on favorite to take this Royal Rumble, though I feel he’d come up just a little short.
3. Hulk Hogan (1985)
The Hulkamania-eraHogan would be almost impossible to beat in any type of match, including this one. Imagine the battle between Hogan and Andre. They had better reinforce the ring for that big battle.
4. Ric Flair (1987)
The “Nature Boy” was the measuring stick of the 1980’s NWA/WCW. Ric would likely focus on several people, including Hogan and Buddy Rogers.
5. Bob Backlund (1976)
He’d be the underdog in this one, for sure. Even the Backlund of 1976 would be dwarfed by the giants in the ring. He could actually play the role of spoiler in this one.
6. Buddy Rogers (1963)
The original “Nature Boy” would likely square off against Ric Flair, almost immediately. Rogers would be a force in this monster battle.
7. Lou Thesz (1948)
This legendary figure would dazzle the crowd with his moves in the ring. He’d be able to surprise a lot of people, before being tossed out.
8. Frank Gotch (1904)
No, that’s not a typo, Gotch fought at the turn of the century (the turn before this one). He would be a wild card, because so few would remember him. He was considered the top man of his time and would be trouble for several of these wrestlers.
9. Nick Bockwinkle (1975)
Nick was the number two man in the AWA, behind Verne Gagne. Nick battled many of the future WWE Hall of Famers during his career (Hulk Hogan, Sgt. Slaughter, Jesse Ventura, Curt Hennig, etc…). Nick might up-end a few favorites that made the mistake of under-estimating him.
10. Bruiser Brody (1984)
The World Class era Brody was wild and brutal. My dream moment in the match would be Brody eliminating Hogan to the amazement and shock of the crowd.
11. Verne Gagne (1960)
The man who trained so many would be a target for almost everyone. Gagne would most likely hit the floor, thanks to Hulk Hogan. Hogan felt cheated out of the AWA title and would go after Gagne with a passion.
12. Triple H (2000)
This would be the vicious Triple H, pre-injury. Before the problems with his quads, Triple H was THE man to beat in the WWF. Who would Triple H focus on? All of them.
13. Undertaker (1991)
13 has always been ‘Taker’s favorite number. Look at any of the merchandise available and the number 13 is there. The Undertaker that ended Hulk Hogan’s reign in 1991 was a power-house that hadn’t been plagued by age and injury. He would hit the ring like a tornado, sending bodies flying.
14. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin (1998)
He holds the record throwing out the most wrestlers during his time in Royal Rumble matches. Austin attacks like a runaway train, steam rolling over anyone or anything in his path. The minute he entered the ring, the others would be best served to focus on eliminating him, fast.
15. Shawn Michaels (1994)
The brash, cocky Michaels that won the Match of the Year in 1994, would do well in this battle. He’d likely hit a little Sweet Chin Music to send a few of the smaller men sailing over the ropes. His own smaller size might be too much of a disadvantage for Shawn, who’d like go out thanks to either Andre or Brody.
16. Bret Hart (1994)
The Hitman co-won the Royal Rumble in 1994 (with Lex Luger). He was at the height of his super-stardom. Forget the bitter, injured man that appears on television, these days. The Bret Hart in my fantasy Royal Rumble still had the fire and desire to take on the world, and win.
17. Sting (1989)
It would be Surfer Sting that entered the match. Sting would likely go after the WWE guys, since he was the only major star in the past 30 years to never wrestle in a WWF/WWE match. A missed Stinger Splash would allow Hogan and Bret Hart to toss the Californian to the floor.
18. Fritz Von Erich (1965)
This would be the German-version of Fritz, not the Texan that was the cornerstone of World Class. Fritz possessed incredible strength, so he would be a strong, and dangerous force in this match. Hogan would likely focus on the Anti-American Fritz and send him packing.
19. Stu Hart (1948)
The patriarch of the Hart clan was one of the roughest men in wrestling history. His influence has stretched across several generations. Stu would put on a clinic on how to punish his opponents.
20. Kurt Angle (2008)
The modern-day Angle is more mature and brutal than his WWE version. Angle would not hesitate to use every trick in the book to work his way through the other men. He might even toss out a few of the favorites, including Sting, Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart.
21. Antonio Inoki (1972)
His battles against Hulk Hogan and Bob Backlund are the stuff of legend. Inoki is, in many people’s opinion, the greatest Japanese wrestler in the history of the sport. Inoki would go directly after some of the biggest men, before falling to Andre.
22. Rikidozan (1958)
The former Sumo wrestler actually defeated Lou Thesz for the NWA International Heavyweight Championsip in 1958. While his career and life were cut short by crossing the Japanese Yakuza (Mafia), he is still considered one of the greatest wrestlers of all time. He would go straight at Thesz, only to be ousted.
23. El Santo (1952)
The Mexican legend was a tough competitor that never backed up from a fight. He is the most famous Luchadore of all time. He would likely confuse some of the larger men with his speed.
24. The Rock (2000)
Rock won the 2000 Royal Rumble. He was at the top of his game, back then. Before Hollywood came calling, The Rock had the hunger to be the best in the business. The Rock would likely focus his attention on the “older” guys like Stu Hart, Lou Thesz and Inoki. The Rock would make it to the Super Six level before being sent to the showers by a combined attack from Kurt Angle and Bret Hart.
25. Kane (1998)
Kane has mellowed over the past decade, so the version of the Big Red Machine that I would include in my fantasy Royal Rumble would be the harbinger of destruction unleashed by a vengeful Paul Bearer, back in the late 90’s. That Kane did not feel pain, he only knew how to inflict it. Kane would devastate anyone in his path. That Kane would also do well in this Royal Rumble.
26. Cactus Jack (1994)
This was the year that Mick Foley lost his ear to Vader on a European tour. It was also the year that he got to crank up his brutality, by joinng the ranks of ECW. This was not the “Big Teddy Bear” that writes children’s books and does silly promos. This was the semi-psychotic that risked his body, day in and day out, to inflict as much damage as possible. Forget Mankind, forget Mick Foley, and, for the love of the sport of wrestling, please forget Dude Love. This is the nasty, vicious, evil character that would likely end up getting himself eliminated as he took out one (or more) wrestlers with some version of his Cactus Clothesline.
27. Raven (1996)
Raven, much like Cactus Jack, enjoyed dishing out mega-brutality on his opponents. Raven would likely injure one (or more) opponents before he was tossed out.
28. Ultimate Warrior (1990)
This is the Warrior, before he self-destructed. This is the man who cleanly pinned Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania VI. I could see the battle between Sting and Ultimate Warrior rocking the house. Warrior wouldn’t make it to the end, but he’d ramp up the excitement level while he was in the match.
29. Dusty Rhodes (1979)
This was the American Dream at the absolute top of his game. While there was a bit of fun and mischief that Rhodes dished out to fans and opponents, when the bell rang, Rhodes was all business. Rhodes would be sending Bionic Elbows into the skulls of anyone and everyone in range. Several wrestlers would fall victim to Rhodes, who would likely be tossed by either Kane or Andre.
30. (Dave) Batista (2005)
Unleash The Animal! Batista would powerhouse over everyone in his path. Batista Bombs would nearly cripple several smaller men. It would be a lock that Batista would be one of the final four in this match.
So, who would win it?
I see the Final Four in this match being: Andre, Batista, Bret Hart and Kurt Angle. Angle would use the AngleSlam to send Batista over the ropes and to the floor. Andre would stand back and catch his breath as Kurt and Bret put on a wrestling clinic. Each man would unload his full arsenal of moves on the other. After breaking free from the Sharpshooter, Kurt would move to the ropes. Bret would pursue Angle, only to end up AngleSlammed up and over the ropes. While Angle gloated over his elimination of Bret, Andre would stroll up and tap Angle on the shoulder. Angle would turn, and end up on the wrong end of an Andre Headbutt. Andre would then use the Tombstone Piledriver (a move that he is credited for creating) to knock Angle out. Andre would then simply lift Angle up in a Gorilla Press and drop him to the arena floor.
YOUR WINNER: Andre The Giant
This match would likely break records for it’s length. It would also set a record for the most men injured at a single event. There would be no clowns, no dancing, and no silicon-enhanced valets. This would be over an hour for pure brutality in a battle for supremacy in the ring. Due to deaths, injuries and retirement, this match could never happen. But on a snowy Sunday morning in January, this match did happen…at least in my mind.
–Jay Shannon
Boxworld@SBCGlobal.net
(1/27/08)
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