The Katz Files — Arnie Katz
iMPACT (1/17) Recap: Cage Advances!:
The Kingfish Arnie Katz brings you all the action and angles from this week’s TNA TV extravaganza..
The open video began with three important TNA women and then moved through the other major highlights of last week’s iMPACT. Other topics covered were Sharkboy’s self-destructive campaign, 3D calling for a Street Fight and, of course the main event Angle Alliance vs. Christian Coalition feud.
Jeremy Borash greeted the limo that brought Kurt Angle, Karen Angle and Prince AJ Styles to the arena only to have the champ again berate him for trying to include himself in that select circle.
Kurt started shouting about how it was a night to celebrate, which somehow drew Showtime Eric Young into the scene. The befuddled blond appeared to be looking for more presents from Santa Claus (or “Shreck” as he calls him at times).
They ended up shoving Eric into the limousine for safe-keeping and heading into the Universal Studios arena. Bad writing has Eric Young’s character shedding IQ points faster than one of the muscleheads sheds mass when cycling off the juice.
Angle was elated at the thought of Styles winning the threeway match against Samoa Joe and Christian Cage so that he can take off the next two months. Borash reminded him that Styles would also be able to choose to fight him for the title.
The threeway match was on Mike Tenay’s mind as cameras brought the action from the parking lot to the arena. Don West seemed more intrigued by the secret that Father James Mitchell promised to reveal about Abyss.
The Motor City Machineguns and X Division Champion Jay Lethal gathered in the ring to accept the Street Fight challenge. Alex Shelley recapped recent events for the fans, who cheered him every syllable of the way!
Shelley added a new stip to the already convoluted match. If the Guns and Lethal win, the X Division will institute a 275-lb. weight limit. (If the heels win, the X Division will be eliminated.)
“Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,” Brother Ray taunted from the upper stage. Ray claimed he was already under 275 and that the only reason Devon was over that weight is because he is training for the Mr. Olympia competition.
He declared himself “in the best shape of my career” and added that Devon is so good-looking that he could be on the cover of Jet!
Team 3D and Johnny Devine entered the ring to get the babyfaces’ answer at close range. When the fan favorites accepted the Street Fight idea, Ray, Devon and Johnny extended their hands in a show of friendship. The Machine Guns and Black Machismo debated about shaking hands and finally did so. When the heel turned to go, however, they jumped them from behind and fought fiercely in and out of the ring!
Crystal tried to ask Abyss about Mitchell’s secret. “The secret emerges tonight over my dead body,” Abyss growled. He vowed that revealing his secret would mark the end of both James Mitchell and Judas Maceas.
Don West introduced a video catalogue of Sharkboy’s injuries as an introduction to a bedside report on the comatose masked grappler by Jeremy Borash. This was right in line with some other recent TNA dramatic scenes; the wrestler’s family all wore Sharkboy masks and acted like fools.
“Good lord, what is the purpose? What is the point?” Don West wondered aloud, in advertently voicing the questions that viewers must’ve had uppermost in their minds during this mess.
“Life as Sharkboy knows it has clearly floundered,” said the Doctor. The water-logged semi-puns continued, because fans couldn’t reach through the TV screen to stop them or this wretched scene.
Tomko d. Eric Young
Tomko came out for the match, but Eric Young didn’t respond to his entrance music. It turned out that he was still inside the limo and couldn’t figure out that he could simply open the door from the inside and step out of the vehicle.
Young finally came to the ring, bearing his Drinking Championship belt. It is not clear why he still has it after Storm won the DCS at Final Reckoning,/U>, except that they want to make its possession the subject of a match at the next PPV.
Eric Young began with a Side Headlock, but Tomko easily lifted him into the air to break the hold. Showtime might’ve been in deep trouble, except that he slid down Tomko’s broad back before any serious damage occurred.
Tomko Bodyslammed his foe and, when he couldn’t score a pin, subjected him to the prolonged punishment of a Rear Chinlock. The strange blond got back to his feet only to have Tomko Clothesline him and cover for the one-two-three.
Grade: C (horrendous pre-match theatrics detracted)
James Storm hit the ring and attacked Young, still woozy from the match’s finish. James Storm gave Tomko a beer and the two began to share a celebratory drink – until Tomko kicked him in the stomach and Bealed him over the top rope!
Tomko picked up the belt and the beer and handed them to Eric Young before leaving the ring. The big man remains an enigma as he continues to chart an independent course free of both Angle and Cafe.
Christian Cage blew off steam backstage. He said that he’d warned Tomko not to think for himself, though it was hard to tell how that might relate to what fans had just seen.
“I want to prove that I am the best, I am the best,” Christian told Crystal.
For unexplained reasons, Crystal was ordered to take Dustin Rhodes to Black Reign’s workshop. Dustin fell on the floor and had a mini-freak-out.
ODB d. Angelina Love
ODB, cheered on by the enthusiastic fans, lost no time showing Angelina Love that she was in the wrong place at the wrong time. She battered the lissome blonde to the mat and kept her there with a series of stomps.
They finally admitted that the initials stand for “One Dirty Bitch” after pointlessly pretending to the contrary.
ODB clubbed her helpless opponent to the mat and then rammed her into the turnbuckle twice. Love dodged as ODB rocketed out of the corner and the Trailer Park Temptress sailed across the ring to a bumpy landing. It was unclear whether she was clutching her mammoth chest to try to regain her breath or because she was afraid that her breasts were ready to break free of her low-necked top.
ODP connected with a modified Face Plant, but Angelina Love responded immediately with a Jawbreaker! A two-count was the best she could get. Love’s High Knee and Running Boot still weren’t enough to subdue ODB.
IDP nearly took off Love’s head with a Clothesline. ODB picked up Angelina and Powerslammed her to set up the winning cover.
Grade: C+ (ODB is headed for a title match)
After the match, the winner talked directly to Awesome Kong. She said that the newly crowned champion had not beaten her and promised fans she’d take the title.
She challenge Kong to a match at Against All Odds
“ODB is not just a pretty face,” she said. Fans cheered her every step of the way.
Crystal approached Kevin Nash’s locker room. Through a partially opened door, she saw (and heard) Nash giving a pep talk to one of the wrestlers in the three way, but he was out of sight.
A slight change in the camera angle revealed that the recipient of Nash’s pre-fight harangue was Samoa Joe. Evidently, they aren’t as angry with each other as the last month of TNA seemed to indicate.
In another bedside update, Jeremy Borash said that Sharkboy was slipping deeper and deeper into a coma. The wrestler’s family didn’t seem overly concerned and continued to act like clowns.
Chris Harris, also in the room for some reason, complained about his lack of air-time and big matches.
Kaz d. Senshi
The match got off to a fast start as Senshi backed Kaz into a corner with thudding chops and Kaz came right back at him with a barrage of right hands!
Senshi missed a Clothesline, but Kaz scored with his and then added a couple of jolting kicks. Senshi replied with some fancy footwork of his own and then tried to choke Kaz on the canvas.
Senshi hauled Kaz to his feet, but the young star paid him back with punches until Senshi stopped the run with a beautiful Standing Dropkick. The pin attempt fell one count short of victory.
Senshi threw Kaz into the ropes and caught him with a knee to the midsection on the rebound! Kaz twisted free just in time to foil the cover.
Kaz took Senshi off his feet with a Leg Sweep and then hit a Sit-out Legdrop! It proved to be just a near fall, though.
Senshi kicked and punched his way out of the corner, backing up Kaz until the K-Man struck back with a kick to the head! Kaz charged across the ring and staggered Senshi with a Two-footed Kick to the face.
Kaz executed his famous Wave of the Future finisher to score the pin.
Grade: B (fast-paced and exciting)
Black Reign attacked after the match. He seized the ornate rat cage, but when he found it empty, he used it as a weapon on Kaz’s head!
Jeremy Borash asked Father James Mitchell about the Big Secret. Mitchell promised it was not going to be a bait-and-switch and that the revelation would change Abyss’ life. “Tonight is the night,” he declared.
“It’s time for AJ to do what AJ wants to do,” Tomko told his tag partner when the “Prince” came to him for advice.
Although Styles seemed receptive to Tomko’s advice, he still didn’t seem to have a clue when the conversation ended.
Abyss d. Lance Hoyt (with Jimmy Rave)
Although Jimmy Rave accompanied his partner in the Rock & Rave Infection to the ring, Christy Hemme was conspicuously absent. The announcers didn’t make clear whether this is supposed to reflect the rift between her and Hoyt or just another plot discontinuity.
Abyss looked around for James Mitchell before locking up, Collar & Elbow, with Hoyt before muscling him into the corner. Abyss Bodyslammed Hoyt, Clotheslined him in the corner and then Clotheslined him over the top rope!
The Masked Monsters picked up Jimmy Rave off the ring apron and threw him on top of Lance Hoyt, still lying on the arena floor!
James Mitchell said, “Time is running out! Are you ready to tell?” Without waiting for an answer, he instructed the cameraman to follow him.
Lance Hoyt used this distraction to sneak attack Abyss, but the big man quickly turned the tables. Jimmy Rave tried to derail him from ringside and, though Abyss swatting away Rave like a fly, Lance Hoyt capitalized on the opportunity by rocking his foe with a Front Suplex.
When Hoyt missed the Moonsault, Abyss quickly applied the Black Hole Slam and scored the pin.
Grade: B- (Disjointed because of the booking, but the total effect was good)
Speaking from an unknown location, Mitchell recounted the story of Chris Parks witnessing his mother shoot his father in the back three times.
Finally, Mitchell said whatever the densest mark already knew: he is Abyss’ father.
“All the pieces of the puzzle have finally come together,” said Mike Tenay, evidently not much of a mystery fan.
The announce team switch to a backstage camera that caught Crystal trying to get Abyss’ reaction to James Mitchell’s revelation. The Masked Monster could do nothing but howl incoherently.
Robert Roode (with Peyton Banks) d. Sonjay Dutt
The Guru tried to steal a kiss from SoCal Val on his way to the ring, but she turned him down.
Sonjay bounded off the ropes, but Roode immobilized him with a Waistlock, threw him back into the cables and decked him with a Clothesline!
Sonjay Dutt used a Leg Trip and a Low-Altitude Dropkick, but a corner charge netted him only a two-footed kick from the alleged financial whiz! Dutt Dropkicked him out of the ring and nailed him with an out-of-ring Cross Body Fly.
Dutt through Robert Roode back into the ring, but he waited far too long to follow up on his advantage and Roode took decisive control!
Just before the commercial break, Miss Brooks came to the ring. This gave the announcers the chance to remind fans about how the blonde Miss Banks has supplanted Miss Brooks.
Roode caught Sonjay Dutt with a Spinebuster as the Guru came rocketing off the ropes. The cover attempt stopped at the count of “two.”
Sonjay Dutt launched a leap from the top rope. Roode moved out of the way, but he immediately fell victim to a Huracanrana. Dutt came over the middle rope with a Cross Body lock and then sprang off the ropes for a third time with a Thesz Press! It still didn’t earn Sonjay Dutt that elusive pin.
When Dutt attacked Roode, the intended victim was only playing possum and batted him away, Dutt went to the top rope again, but this time Roode banged the ropes to short circuit the move..
Roode whipped his foe into the ropes, gave him the Pay-off finisher and covered for the victory.
Grade: B (exceptionally fast paced)
When Roode taunted Miss Brooks after the match, she entered the ring and became embroiled in a fierce catfight with her replacement Peyton Banks.
Miss Brooks speared the former stalker and Roode not only came to her rescue, but held Miss Brooks while Miss Banks got in some revenge punches. She was preparing to use her boot on Miss Brooks when Matt Morgan raced into the ring to stop it.
Karen Angle, in a very brief aquamarine dress, crawled all over AJ Styles as Jeremy Borash tried to get him to say whether, if he wins the match against Samoa Joe and Christian Cage, he will choose to fight Angle for the title or give the head of the Angle Alliance a break until Lockdown
Karen Angle told the interviewer that AK will do the right thing – and that she will then do the right thing for him.
This is an example of the kind of pointless angle that TNA would do well to avoid. No one thought AJ Styles was going to main event against Kurt Angle for the title at the next PPV, so a story built around his inability to decide between two options that will never happen is not exactly compelling.
Since it piles on to AJ’s inability to choose between the angle Alliance and the Christian Coalition, the total effect is very negative on AJ Styles’ standing in the show. How can fans possibly take him seriously after watching him clown for show after show, even though he is brilliant in the ring>
The camera caught BG James and Kip James arguing before they went to the ring. BH told Kip that his new partner was on his way to the arena. Kip snapped that the new guy had better be good, because both he and BG were in for a lot of trouble.
Jeremy Borash must have super powers of some kind. He is traipsing around with the Angle Alliance while, at the very same time, he is doing an (allegedly) “live” feed from the bedside of the Masked Masochist Sharkboy.
The Knockouts showed up to deliver deathless lines like, “He looks green around the gills.” In what was probably an oblique reference to the movie M*A*S*H, they decide to raise Sharkboy out of hiss coma by giving him “mouth to mouth.” (The story in the movie had, well, a little more
Before they could start, though, Chris Harris jumped on Sharkboy’s prostrate body in a misguided effort to grab a little air- (and face-) time.
Back in the ring, Kip James read his partner and “ring brother” BG the riot act. When BG got a chance to speak, e explained that he had always wanted to team with this person and considered him an inspiration for his own career.
Then he introduced his mystery partner… Bullet Bob Armstrong! Nobody laughed as Kip threw his support behind the idea and raised both men’s arms. Ah, if only it was 1980 again!
The focus returned to Jeremy Borash at Sharkboy’s bedside with Dr. Fishman and Nurse Bass. Inexplicably, Flounder from Animal House and Baron Barracuda from Diver Dan were not present.
Eric Young gave the still-comatose Sharkboy a lecture about how he had to fight like Jaws, who never gave up.
Sharkboy suddenly sat bolt upright in bed and cursed Dr. Fishman for using a rectal thermometer! Sharkboy punched the doctor, looked into the camera and said, “And that’s the bottom line, because Sharkboy Said so!”
Soon all the under card guys will be imitating famous wrestlers of the past, I guess. Maybe Lance Hoyt can dye his hair blond again and become the Bulkster or something. I can hardly wait. Only Maybe *Not*
Kurt Angle, resplendent in his tuxedo, took center-ring to inform fans that two great things were going to happen: His protégé AJ Styles was going to win the Threeway Elimination Match and fans were going to get to see him defend his “other world title” against Nagata on Global iMPACT on Spike TV after the TNA show.
Jim Cornette had Scott Steiner and Petey Williams in his office for an argumentative conference. Cornette tried to sell Steiner on the idea that he should be happy to have the suitcase that entitles him to fight for the X Division Championship, but Big Poppa Pump wasn’t buying it.
Steiner got up suddenly and it looked like he grabbed the suitcase that Williams had been holding.
Christian Cage d. Samoa Joe and AJ Styles
Threeway Elimination Match
Winner gets a title shot
Christian Cage went right after AJ Styles and soon had him down in the corner. When he backed off, Samoa Joe took some shots at the Prince of Phenomenal. Cage and Joe cooperated to deliver a Stereo Back Body Drop to Styles.
Styles rolled all the way out of the ring, so the remaining two squared off against each other. Christian Cage struck first with a blow to the stomach, but Samoa Joe came off the ropes with a knee to the midsection! When Joe threw the Instant Classic into the ropes, AJ Styles pulled him down from behind.
Styles moved out of range when Joe threatened a Suicide Dive into the ringside area, but he soon was slugging it out with the big Samoan. They should’ve watched Christian Cage, though, because he executed an out-f-ring Cross Body Fly that took out both men! Recovering quickly, Samoa Joe zoomed back into the ring and nailed Cage and Styles with his own Suicide Dive.
Back from commercial, Joe chopped away at Styles in the ring, while Christian Cage tried to collect his wits in the ringside area. Joe scored with a Two-Footed Kick, but Christian Cage stopped him from behind when he tried to dish out a second one. Cage got back inside the ropes, only to suffer Joe’s Atomic Drop!
Samoa Joe threw a wobbly AJ Styles to Christian, who tossed him completely out of the ring! The remaining two rushed at each other. Joe picked up the smaller man and smashed him to the mat with a Power Slam! They traded punches until Cage sent Joe out to the floor.
Christian turned his attention back to Styles just in time to receive a jolting Forearm Smash from AJ Styles. The Phenomenal One tried to set up the Stylish Clash, but Cage reversed into a Boston Crab! Styles ignored the pain and refused to tap until Samoa Joe came through the ropes. That caused Christian to drop the hold and deal with him.
Joe charged him with a Shoulder Block in the corner and then hoisted Cage in the air for a Muscle Buster – but Cage wriggled free and seized the Rear Naked Choke! When Styles tried to climb the ropes, the Samoan Submission Machine fired Cage at the ropes to knock Styles off his perch.
AJ styles looked dazed and confused on the arena floor while Christian Cage tried to put Samoa Joe into the Unprettier. Joe stopped the move short and retaliated with the Rear Naked Choke.
Styles returned to the ring with a chair! Samoa Joe rolled out of range and Styles brought the chair down on Christian! Samoa Joe Dropkicked Styles and picked up the chair. Before he could toss it out of the ring, though, referee Rudy Charles saw it in his hand and declared him out of the match, a loser by DQ!
That left Christian Cafe and AJ Styles. Christian backed up Styles with knife-edge Chops, Christian Cage largely avoided Styles’ attempted Moonsault and blocked an attempted Styles DDT! AJ went for the cover, anyway, but it was doomed to fail.
Styles couldn’t prevent Cage from getting to his feet, where he quickly executed a Spinebuster! It almost led to a pin, but the pivotal word is definitely “almost.”
AJ Styles worked over a weakened Cage in the corner and then fired him into another corner for an encore. AJ charged into the corner and took a two-footed kick. He tried again, only to have the Instant Classic move out of the way. Styles’ shoulder met the turnbuckle at full speed!
Christian missed his Frogsplash, but then blocked Styles’ Enzuiguiri! Christian scored with a DDT, but he couldn’t convert it into a one-two-three.
Cage chopped at his foe in the corner, but the Prince came out with a well-aimed kick to the midsection! Cage caught Styles in mid-maneuver and subjected him to a modified Sit-out Powerbomb, but he couldn’t keep Cage’s shoulders on the canvas!
Blood flowed from Christian’s split lip as he went for the Unprettier. AJ not only foiled the move, but he uncorked an eye-popping Pele Kick right to that split lip! Styles vaulted to the top turnbuckle, but Cage moved out of the way! Cage connected with a Spear, but Styles broke the count at “two.”
When Cage vaulted to the top turnbuckle, Styles went up after him and brought him to the mat with a Back Body Drop! AJ missed his Spiral Tap. Christian tried for a quick cover, but it didn’t work.
AJ Styles got his knees up in time to ruin Christian Cage’s attempted Frogsplash. AJ tempted fate by going for an Unprettier. The master of the maneuver reversed and hit his own Unprettier! He pounced on the fallen Styles and got the three slaps of the canvas from Rudy Charles!
Grade: B+
Overall Grade for the Show: B (weak dramatics, but some good ring action)
The Kingfish Says
The daily Katz Files returns tomorrow. Tell your friends and join me here.
– Arnie Katz
editor-in-chief
ProWrestlingDaily.com
(1/21/08)
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